I've always had insecurities about my weight. Food's always been an issue for me. But I've recently reactivated my old binge-purge habits..emphasis on the purge. I get this crazy high after I purge. It's sick, I know, but I can't help it. I hide it from everyone, but it's not because I'm ashamed. It's because I don't want to share it with anyone. It's mine. The one thing I have for me, myself, and I..no one else can touch this. It's something to come home to, but I know it'll eventually destroy me. I hide it from my boyfriend, as well as my best friend, the two people I know who truly love and care about me. It kills me because she used to have a similar problem (ana) and I know if I told her she most likely wouldn't judge, but I still can't bring myself to talk about it. Hiding it from her is worse than hiding it from my boyfriend. I don't expect him to understand, but I know he would worry and I hate having people worry about me. It makes me feel like I'm some huge fucking burden. Ugh, I can't stand it. The worse part about the whole thing, though, isn't hiding it. The worst part is I can actually tell that it's taking a toll on my health. I get this horrific chest pains, stomach aches, headaches. My panic attacks, which I've always had, have gotten even worse, and I'm constantly cold and I shake. I know I need to stop but I just can't stop myself. And the sickest thing is, I just don't want to.

Oh I'm losing my mind...

the boyfriend's out of town for the next week or so, and every time he doesn't text/call, or reply to me ASAP, my paranoia starts setting in. he's on some church trip, and I totally understand that he's busy with stuff..but still, I feel like I'm just being an annoying, needy girlfriend. and I fucking hate being needy. ughh...shoot me.

All apologies for the brief hiatus. I've been majorly busy with finals and shit. so I'm pretty sure I mentioned my new boyfriend last time I posted. We've been together for a little over a month now, and things are going great. Long story short, he's fucking perfect. The only thing is...I'm not. and I'm like, 99.9% sure his family is aware of this. Within the first two weeks of our relationship, his mother found nude pictures of me on his phone. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculously stupid sending nude pics is, but whatever, I did it. So, she's actually sure that I'm a huge slut. It's beginning to make me believe I'm just not good enough for him.

Okay, so it's definitely been a while since I've posted. Well, I met a guy. And he's really great. perfect for me, actually. Most the guys I've been with are total assholes, junkies, or just generally bad people. But this one's way different. I'm totally stoked about it actually. I haven't been this happy in a really long time.

bonus points if you know what song the title's from.

so, I just got back from visiting Clearwater with my family. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I almost always hate going on vacations with my family, unless I'm allowed to bring someone else along. I'm an only child, and I always find it excruciating and embarrassing to be seen out with both of my parents. I feel like a fucking loser. That wouldn't be a problem if we just stayed at home, where my friends are, but they insisted on going somewhere and I was forced to go with him.

Luckily, I spent most of the time on my own, tanning at the beach or at the pool. so, all in all it wasn't too bad. anyway, I really desperately want to get a Nirvana related tattoo. My father's convinced that tattoos are a symbol of the devil, and my mother isn't exactly fond of the idea, but I could care less. I'm already sort of designing one, but I can't draw worth crap. Anyone wanna help?

I am so sick of all this shit. I hate bitching and moaning about my life and wallowing around in my teen angst but I seriously need to get out of my goddamn house. I hate my family, I hate my house, I hate my life, I hate all of it. I just want out. Ugh. I'm almost certain I don't have the resources to get legally emancipated, but I seriously wish I did. My mother constantly, incessantly insults me. This morning she told me I looked like an ape. An ape! I DO NOT look like an ape, or any other primate that is not human, for that matter. I cannot take it anymore. I'm going out of my mind. I hate it. All of it. I hate this fucking town and I want to leave. NOW. It's all just too much for me. For anyone. I mean, seriously, you're supposed to be able to just like, relax and not be insanely stressed when you're at home, right? I can never have that. It's always insults, fights, arguments. It NEVER ends. No matter what I do, nothing is good enough. It all sounds so fucking stupid and cliche, I know. But this is legit, I'm not exaggerating. fuck this. fuck all of it.

I'm almost certain that I've gained at least three pounds in chocolate today. I love Easter. My parents still give me a basket and everything. My mother's still holding onto my youth as if I believed in the Easter Bunny. She does the same thing at Christmas with Santa Clause. Anyway, I got a shitload of candy and some other stuff. I devoured most of the candy within a few hours. I'm soo not used to consuming that much sugar. Not surprisingly, I crashed and ended up sleeping for like, 6 and a half hours. Normally, I'd be pissed that I'd slept through like, half the day, but it's Easter and I'm so not above laying around the house and consuming ridiculous amounts of sugar on Easter...it's a holiday tradition.

So, I wanted to talk about how much I love spring break, and eventually that evolved into a shitload of different things I'm all about right now, so I decided to make a weekly list. Here's the first one:

10:

Peeps. Easter's tomorrow, and this is a classic Easter candy. Plus, as a vegiterian, this is the only kind of chicken you'll ever get me to eat.

9:

ShanaLogic Cupcake Scarf. I fucking love cupcakes, and I adore this scarf.

8:

Classic video game cupcakes.

7:


Le'Whif Chocolate Inhaler.

6:

Customized guitar picks for your sweetheart.

5:

Hello Kity scale. I need this

4:

Hello Kitty Toaster.

3:

Bakerella Cupcake Pops. soo cute, soo yummy.

2:

Nirvana Cake Pop. also from Bakerella.

1:

Argiris Karras. He plays Riley on Degrassi, and I think he's the single most adorable person I've ever seen.

Today was the first day of my spring break. I did absolutely nothing. I spent the entire day baking in the sun, and then under a tanning bed. And I'm actually totally fine with it...really. Normally I hate just laying around doing nothing, but today it was really relaxing. Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with myself for the next week and a half. I haven't really bothered to make any plans.

I don't know if it's from being out in the sun or something, but I'm totally out of it and sort of emotionally drained. I'm kind of on auto-pilot with my keyboard right now...I almost don't even know what I'm typing. I should also probably get to bed. I'm majorly exhausted. Night. xo

Today is the fifteenth anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. I adore Kurt, maybe a little too much. So naturally, this day is pretty depressing to me, but I've been re-reading his Journals and listening to Nirvana since I woke up this morning, and I realized just how brilliant he really was.

Being a teenage girl, I know my Kurt/Nirvana worship is extremely cliche, but it's genuine nonetheless. So many people think of him as just some pathetic, dead fuck who offed himself after writing grotesque and offensive lyrics for years, but they don't see the beauty in his work or his beliefs. It's true, a lot of Nirvana's lyrics are gross, harsh and offended plenty of people, but there's something so uncanny about the way Kurt was able to create something beautiful out of all of the atrocities he saw in the world. His beliefs about rape and the objectifying of women are obvious in songs such as "Polly" and "Rape Me". Even though "Rape Me" was actually just one big metaphor about Kurt being ideologically "raped" by the media, it still got a strong point across.

As disturbed as he was, Kurt was a beautiful individual with a lot to offer. It's awful that all of his gifts and talents were taken away from us, by the man himself. If he would have lived on and overcome his demons, he could have accomplished and created so many more great things. I don't want to call him my "idol" in those exact words, because I don't want it to sound like I idolize his illness, or addiction, and ultimately his suicide. But in a way, I do idolize him. Not the suicidal tendencies or the heroin use, but the positive things, like his philosophies regarding sexuality, and how much he opposed sexism and racism. Even though he ushered in a whole new genre and movement in alternative music, he followed and embraced the punk rock principles to a tee.

So basically, I adore Kurt and everything he stood for. I wish with every fiber of my being that he would have made it through all of that despair, but he didn't. And as horrific as that is to think about, all I, and other such fans and proteges, can do is keep Kurt's beliefs and beautiful spirit alive.

So I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic than I was yesterday. I don't know why, but I'm beginning to feel like things are...better.

I get to go to the beach for the first time in like, 9 months tomorrow night, and then AGAIN on Saturday. sooo excited. I'm starting to get pasty. Well, not actually pasty, since I'm Middle Eastern, but pale for me. I hate it. I feel like I look sick and unsexy. And after that, I'm going to Supercross, this dirtbike show thing. I don't know a thing about it, but it seems fun, and as much as I can get out of the house, the better. Hanging around and not doing anything makes me think way too much.

The best April Fool's joke I've seen today was one my friend tried to pull on his parents. He went up to them before leaving for school and asked them to sit down, that he had to tell them something important. He said, "I'm gay", and his parents just sat there for a minute. Then, his mother said, "Oh, it's alright honey, we've known that for a while now." He's actually straight.

I'm going insane. I hate everything. My life at home is...ridiculous. My mother is always mad at me...always. Even the smallest thing sets her off. I could breathe wrong and she would start screaming. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but the sad thing is, I'm really not. If she isn't pissed about my grades, I haven't cleaned something the right way, or I was disrespectful in some way. Nothing I do is right. I hate to be so whiny, and I hate complaining about stuff like this because I know that so many people have it way worse off than I do, but I can't deal with it anymore.

I want to get out, but I'm only sixteen. I wouldn't know where to go. I have older friends that I could stay with, but I know "running away" is stupid and childish. I'm not going to do something that pathetically dangerous just because my mother's temper is nearly unbearable. But then again, that isn't the only thing that's eradicating my already diminished sanity. Right when I finally think I'm happy, all of these past issues seem to uproot themselves, pulling me further into the abyss. I need help. This is bullshit.

I hate my life. Okay, that's a little dramatic. But it's been pretty shitty. I know that there are people who are way worse off than me, but I just can't help but complain sometimes. Stuff gets really stressful. I feel fat. And ugly. And gross. And awful. And a lot of other really negative adjectives that I don't really have the time or the wherewithal to list one by one. I can't pay attention in school because all my attention is focussed on this stupid guy, who actually isn't stupid at all, he's adorable and precious, and sexy and just...ugh. And apparently he's way out of my league. And to be honest, I didn't even know I had a league. I'm not conceited, or cocky or anything, but I know I'm certainly not ugly. I feel ugly sometimes, but I know I happen to be at least somewhat pretty. And I have a good personality, and I'm not super-virginal or really introverted or any of the other things that high school guys get turned off by. Ugh..HATE IT! all of it.

I think I'm in love. Okay, maybe not love. Well, definitely not love, but at least lust. And I know lust is something entirely different than love, but I digress...here's the story:

So there's this guy that I've been like, swooning over since July of last year. And I've just recently decided to do something about it. It feels weird to write it down, because I have this weird, superstitious feeling that by writing down my plans with him, I'll somehow put some sort of hex or curse or something on my chances of them working. I know, it's absolutely insane. Anyway, he's fucking adorable. He has this incredible confidence, but he's not at all cocky. But somehow, at the same time, he's like, self-deprecating. It's amazing. I've never met anyone else like him before.

According to one of his friends, who I'm also really good friends with, he's "easy", so hopefully my plans will actually work, and all my efforts won't be completely fruitless.

I haven't updated in months, I've been so fucking busy. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. school is killer, life is crazy, boys are pigs, and my friends are insane. But other than that, everything's super perfect.

I've been trying to write more often, but every time I actually get a minute or two of spare time to sit down and write, I get this ridiculous mental block. I hate it.
I want a new brain...and sushi. I'm home alone, with no already prepared food and I'm an awful cook, and I'm starving. The only thing I know how to make is cupcakes.

so I can always find something wrong with my insignifigant little world. it's weird. I'm happy, but I'm not.
it's like, I know things could be so much better, but then again, they really could be a lot worse. it's this whole mental balancing act and its weirding me out because I feel like I can never be truly happy with my life. but then again..
can anyone?